Relationship Tips · 1 comment · Feb 09, 2022

A Relationship Without Arguments Or Fights - Is It a Good Thing?

Updated: July 3rd, 2024

Can a relationship thrive without any arguments or fights? The surprising answer is—probably not.

In an ideal world, harmony would reign supreme, and disagreements would be nonexistent. However, our reality is far from perfect, and every relationship will face conflicts sooner or later.

The secret lies in mastering the art of arguing effectively without causing harm to the relationship. Avoiding conflict might seem like a peaceful solution, but it denies us the chance to strengthen and deepen our connection.

In this article, we'll uncover why occasional arguments can benefit your relationship when approached with the right intentions. Discover how these moments of discord can lead to greater understanding, growth, and intimacy between partners.

Is it Healthy to Never Fight in a Relationship?

As always, it depends. Do you not argue, because everything is going perfectly in the relationship, or you don't argue because you avoid conflict, or are afraid of upsetting your partner? It is a big difference.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, emphasizes, "Conflict is an opportunity to learn how to love and understand each other better."1

Avoiding conflict is a form of conflict, because if we feel like saying something but don't say it, we are building this big void in ourselves that eventually will come out. And the longer you hold it in, the harder and painful it will explode.

It is important to remember that disagreements are a natural part of any relationship. No two people are going to agree on everything, and there will be times when you disagree about something.

However, if you can learn how to argue in a healthy way, then it can strengthen your relationship. However, if you avoid conflict altogether, then your relationship will eventually stagnate.

Arguments in a relationship

Why Do We Need to Have Arguments?

Every person is different and has their own opinions, viewpoints, emotions, and experiences that make them unique.

In a perfect world, where we could just know, what the other person is thinking and feeling, we might not need to argue, bet the reality is that we are not psychics, so we need to communicate and arguments are a form of communication.

A study by the University of California, Berkeley, found that couples who argue constructively are more likely to have a happy relationship than those who avoid conflicts altogether.2

Surely, it is better to communicate in a calm, respective manner, but we are just humans and sometimes emotions kicks in. Maybe, we think that we said something, and our partner just ignores us, so we get annoyed up to the point we need to express ourselves by escalating that to an argument.

And it is normal. But what needs to be done – is to then deal with it. If you said something in this argument that should not have been said – apologize afterwards. If you raised your voice – after the argument, explain yourself, so your partner can understand your intention.

So, arguments will happen, and it is not a bad thing by it’s own, but you have to learn to keep them as respectful as possible and learn from them, so they are effective not destructive in the long run.

Effective and Destructive Arguments

Arguing effectively requires communication and respect for each other. You need to be able to express yourself honestly without attacking the other person on a personal level. And you need to be willing to listen to what the other person has to say. If you can do this, then you will be able to resolve conflicts in a positive way, and your relationship will continue to grow stronger.

In the heat of the moment, managing emotions can be tough. However, once the argument cools down, reflect on what was said and why. Healthy arguments aren't harmful to a relationship—they're essential. When done right, they enhance communication and can even lead to passionate intimacy. Embrace these moments as opportunities to grow closer.

However, if you argue in a destructive way, then it can damage your relationship. If you are constantly attacking the other person, or if you are not willing to listen to what they have to say, then the conflict will only get worse. And this can eventually lead to an unhappy relationship, a breakup, or a divorce.

How to Know if You are Arguing in a Destructive Way?

Most of us have been in a bad fight with our partners at some point. Maybe we said things we didn't mean, or maybe we acted out of anger. Whatever happened, we probably regret it afterwards; if we do, it is a good sign, which means we care.

Destructive arguing is characterized by hostility, negativity, and a lack of remorse. The goal is to win, to prove only your point of view, or just to make the other person feel bad rather than resolve the conflict. And in this case, we might even not feel bad for our partner. This is really not a good sign.

Both people are focused on attacking each other, and neither one is interested in resolving the issue. This often leads to yelling, name-calling, and even physical violence.

If you find yourself engaging in destructive arguing, then it is important to step back and assess why you are doing it. Are you angry about something that has happened in the past?

Are you feeling insecure or threatened? Are you arguing for the sake of arguing? Maybe you argue because you are constantly left in a defensive position?

Once you understand why you are engaging in destructive arguing, you can work on resolving those underlying issues.

A bad fight can cause a lot of damage to a relationship. It can make us feel distant from each other, and it can make us question whether or not we want to stay together. If the fight is really bad, then it might even lead to a breakup or divorce.

So, What Can We Do to Repair the Damage?

We have a more in-depth article about reconnecting after a fight here, but we have listed the most common things you can do to make up for the fight and turn it into a learning lesson instead.

1. Apologize For What Happened

This is something that is absolutely no secret, but apologizing is among the most effective things you can do after any fight.

It can be hard when we have a disagreement with our significant other. It might feel like they are being stubborn and refuse to see things from your perspective.

But if you think about it for just one second, imagine the other person is feeling hurt or angry at how much time went into this argument that could've been spent on something more meaningful than arguing over the thing you argued. Would he/she want us fighting too?

Don’t let these feelings of frustration control you. Let the moment pass, calm down a bit, and then apologize sincerely, even though you may not think you did anything wrong, because chances are some parts of the disagreement were your fault.

2. Talk About the Fight

Fighting with loved ones is never fun, but discussing why the fight happened is essential to prevent future conflicts. Often, these clashes stem from minor issues that can build up over time. By addressing them openly, you can avoid more significant problems.

Remember, we can't read minds, so talking about what happened and how you feel is crucial. Dr. Sue Johnson, a renowned relationship expert, emphasizes, "Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship."3 Clear communication helps bridge gaps and fosters understanding, strengthening your bond.

3. You Need to Rebuild Trust in The Relationship

If the fight was a major one, there is a chance that some part of your mutual trust has been damaged. This means that after a fight, you should be honest with each other, and it means giving each other space when needed.

Trust is not something that can be repaired overnight; it takes time and patience. This will be a very important part of your relationship moving forward, but it is a vital part of the process.

An unhealthy relationship makes it difficult to strengthen trust and connection since most people in an unhealthy relationship don't realize they are in one, but if your relationship is healthy, you will make it happen, the trust will come back, and emotions will heal.

4. Let The Other Person Have His/Her Say

Sometimes arguments happen because of outside factors. Maybe it was a terrible day for your partner; his/her emotions are so heightened that they burst out in flames for completely no fault of yours.

In this case, and this is so often overlooked, it can make all the difference when you're trying to work things out with someone you love (or even like)—have your partner let out their emotions.

By doing so, your partner will eventually see that you are there for him/her and calm down. This will only make your partner feel more loved and appreciated, so your relationship will become stronger than ever.

But, and this is important, don’t let it become a habit. Yes, if there are some rare occasions when your partner let’s his/her emotions out on you, it is OK, and you should support your partner, but if this becomes a regular thing, that is no longer healthy.

5. Prepare Yourself

You cannot avoid arguments completely, but what you can do is prepare yourself.

1. Have an open mind to having arguments and change your outlook on them. Remember that you will have them, and when you do, you will make the best of that situation.

2. Build your intimacy and better understand each other. Try to know each other's feelings, thoughts, and emotions.

3. Constantly communicate and learn more about yourselves.

To better understand each other and learn more about your relationship, you can play our Life Conversations, a conversation game that will allow you to open up yourselves and delve into meaningful conversations in a safe environment.

The Life Conversations

In Conclusion

Too many destructive arguments are unhealthy and should be avoided or dealt with. But when we avoid conflict altogether, we miss the opportunity to improve our relationship. Without arguments, there is no progress.

Our relationship is stronger because we are not fighting. Still, this type of relationship can be pretty unhealthy.

It's important to remember that relationships involve disagreements. If you never argue with your partner, then there's a good chance that something is wrong. You're not communicating effectively and not addressing the issues that are important to you both.

Arguing constructively and effectively can strengthen your relationship. It allows you to air your grievances without causing any long-term damage, and it shows that you care enough about the relationship to want to resolve the conflict.

So, don't give up hope if you're having trouble resolving conflicts with your partner. If the relationship is worth it, there are ways to repair the damage that has been done. Just be patient and be willing to work together.

We would love to hear from you!

How do you deal with arguments in your relationship? Do you avoid them or tackle them head-on?

Maybe we missed an important thing about arguments? Leave your thoughts in the comment section below!

FAQ Section:

1. Is it normal for couples to argue in a healthy relationship?

Yes, it's normal and often healthy for couples to argue. Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship due to differing opinions, experiences, and emotions. What's important is how couples manage and resolve these conflicts, ensuring they argue constructively without damaging the relationship.

2. Can avoiding arguments in a relationship lead to problems?

Avoiding arguments can indeed lead to problems in a relationship. When couples avoid conflict, they miss opportunities to address and resolve underlying issues, leading to resentment and distance over time. Effective communication and facing disagreements head-on can strengthen the relationship.

3. How can arguing effectively benefit a relationship?

Arguing effectively can benefit a relationship by enhancing communication, deepening understanding, and resolving conflicts positively. It allows both partners to express their feelings and opinions honestly, leading to mutual growth and strengthening the bond.

4. What are some signs of destructive arguing, and how can it be avoided?

Signs of destructive arguing include personal attacks, name-calling, refusing to listen, and not seeking resolution. To avoid this, focus on the issue rather than the person, listen actively, and express yourself using "I" statements. Apologizing when wrong and taking a break if emotions run too high can also prevent arguments from becoming destructive.

- 16 Ways to reconnect after a fight

- 10 Strategies to Rekindle the Connection After a Big Fight in a Long-Distance Relationship

- Why arguments can be good and what are the most common mistakes when arguing

- 13 Crucial conversations every couple need to have at some point

- Is it common for couples to misunderstand each other

Citations:

1. Dr. John Gottman, "Deepening Connections", https://www.gottman.com/blog/deepening-connections-gottman-and-ifs/

2. How to Argue with Your Partner in a Healthy Way, https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_argue_with_your_partner_in_a_healthy_way

3. Dr. Sue Johnson, https://csheehanjr.com/the-knowledge-project/

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1 comment

Jenny May 12, 2024

I respectfully disagree. Arguing is not necessary, and although it may be normal to disagree on some things, I believe it is healthy to be able to gently discuss disagreements and make compromises together without arguing. My partner and I have never had an argument, and we don’t bottle up conflict. We lovingly work through things together. We are also blissfully happy, and neither of us has had a relationship this wonderful in the past.