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16 Ways to Reconnect with your Partner after a Fight
What do we mean by arguments and fights?
It's important to note, that in this article by disagreements we don't mean relationship disputes and problems.
Relationship problems are something deeper and usually last for a long period of time. They impact your every day life, and aren't solved easily. And those are a matter for a different conversation.
Here we are talking about a misunderstanding or a big fight that usually is spontaneous and originate from anger or frustration. And most importantly end relatively quickly (in a matter of hours, or days).
That being said, they still have value if you learn how to argue fairly, and respectfully which ends up strengthening your connection instead of weakening it.
So, How to Resolve Conflict in a Relationship?Conflict generally is not a good thing, and more often than not can make you feel terrible. But, the truth is - relationship fights will happen, they are a natural part of any relationship, but what matters, is how you deal with them.
1. Choose to forgiveForgiveness is not about condoning bad behavior but about choosing to let go of negative feelings that will only hurt you.
2. Take responsibility for your actionsThe ugly truth is that only on rare occasions only one partner is to blame for an argument. It can happen, but it is much rarer that you might think.
You may be right about how you feel or what you think, but that doesn't mean it's okay to act out in anger. The relationship will never improve if both partners refuse to take any responsibility.
3. Separate the issuesAvoid giving into the temptation of bringing in new issues into the argument. We all have done it, and it never makes things better.
It may be difficult at first, but if you can keep your cool, you'll have a much better chance of getting what you need from your loved one. In a situation like this, it's key to remain polite, and respectful.
4. CompromiseYou have chosen to be together with your partner, which by itself means to have some compromises, and arguments with your partner are no exception. This means you have to keep an open mind, and at least one side has to meet halfway with their request or concession.
5. Use "I" statements to express yourself
Simply changing the perspective, can do a lot.
Using " I" statements is more effective than using "you" statements when talking about relationship problems because your partner can't argue about how you feel.
For example, instead of saying, "You make me angry,", or "You did that..." say, "It made me feel ____." This also helps to keep the conversation from escalating into another argument.
6. Never underestimate the power of a heartfelt apology
7. Spend time together doing something you both enjoyAfter a heated argument or a big fight, it's normal to want to spend some time apart, but too much time can lead to tension and problems which can become permanent.
8. Do something different than usualWhen both of you have calmed down a bit, but it still is something bothering you - have a change of pace, pick a movie you wouldn't usually watch, or go out for dinner at a restaurant neither of you has tried before, go outside and get physical.
Breaking away from regular routines gives marriage discords less chance of occurring again in the future because familiar habits are what often cause them in the first place.
Actually, this is a good technique of reconnecting with your spouse, if you both are the kind who has a hard time apologizing.
For example, when you have calmed down a bit, but don't feel like apologizing or openly talking about what happened, you can simply and casually nudge your partner into doing something mundane with you (watching TV, cooking dinner, going for a walk).
Although generally it is better to talk things out, this method can be a great tool, when you have difficulties expressing your emotions.
9. Talk about how life will be different after your relationship issues have been resolvedPlan dates in advance, think about the style of your next apartment and talk about your next trip. Change the topic, and express your feelings so there's less chance of an argument rising ever again.
What to Talk About With Your Spouse to Reconnect?
If you are not sure, what to talk about when you are still angry with each other - that is perfectly normal. It is not unusual to have million thoughts in your head, but not one of them seems good enough when the emotions are still high.
Everyone is different and this might not be applicable to your situation, but generally we would recommend talking about such topics:
- Expressing what went wrong and that you still love them;
- Talking about something neutral, like work, kids, what to eat for dinner;
But we would not recommend trying to blame or explain why your partner made you feel bad. At least not until your emotions have calmed down.
10. Don't go to bed angryThis is almost a cliché, but nevertheless, it is a vital part of a healthy relationship.
But that being said, also don't force yourselves to resolve a conflict by any means. Deadlines are a good thing in work and business, but not necessarily in a relationship.
11. Ask your partner what went wrongIn many cases, we don't see our behavior as harmful or wrong, so just asking the other person's perspective, can go a long way.
By asking what went wrong can make them think about their own behavior that caused the fight to escalate. Ask it gently and then genuinely listen to your partner, otherwise, this question could lead to another disagreement.
12. Focus on solutions instead of who's right or wrong
Try to come up with possible solutions to whatever problem you're dealing with; listen carefully without interrupting and don't be quick to dismiss any ideas (even if they seem flawed at first).
This way you'll move closer to resolving the conflict together and in turn, create an atmosphere where it's easier for your marriage to thrive again.
If you see only problems, look into couples therapy
As a side note - when just nothing seems to help reconnecting with your spouse, then seeing a therapist might be a good idea.
Reaching out to a therapist can help in two ways: by providing insight and advice on how to improve your relationship and by addressing problems that may arise.
If you are dealing with any issues in your own marriage, it's crucial to seek help before you reach the point where it ends.
While it's true that some people can benefit from therapy, it's also true that counseling doesn't always help and may actually create more problems, if both parties are not willing to participate.
If you're having problems in your relationship, first talk to your spouse about it, but it is important not to dismiss the idea or straight refuse consenting. If there are deep problems, counselling might help a lot.
Sometimes the problems are something simple and straightforward, but other times it's more complicated and requires seeing a therapist.
13. Talk about relationship goals
Sometimes the bickering may have brought your common goals to light which is a good thing, so now use it as an opportunity for growth. When you have calmed down, discuss what both of you want out of your love life and how you can pursue those goals together.
If you're not on the same page it's never too late to discuss your present and future goals with each other. Remember to choose goals that are realistic, specific, relatable and attainable.
14. Create new positive memories togetherTry creating new happy memories that will help strengthen your marriage and increase intimacy after a disagreement. It's not always easy to do, but it is possible.
15. Don't take your relationship problems too personally
Sometimes conflicts can feel like they're about you, but that is not always the case. Family affairs are never one-sided and it's important to keep in mind that problems don't define your success and failure as a couple either.
Remember that no matter how much you love each other, you still have to learn to disagree in a healthy way.
16. Be positive
Even if things aren't going well between the two of you, try not to assume the relationship is going downhill or that it is time for a divorce.
It might not be perfect but it doesn't mean you have to give up on making your love life better by choosing to be positive.
Try using positive words when engaging in conversation with each other and use happy affirmations.
17. Bonus Tip - Avoid Starting a Fight
Yes, we mentioned that arguments are a part of any relationship, and every couple fights from time to time.
But that does not mean you have no control in this matter. By taking some precautions, you can have less arguments.
One of the best ways to avoid getting into a fight with your partner, is to improve your communication, build up emotional intimacy, and have a better understanding of each other.
Therefore, we have created the Life Conversations, which is a conversation starter game made specially for couples who want to know more about themselves, and bond together. The questions range from easy and fun all the way to difficult questions that couples need to discuss, but often don't know how to ask these things.