Sexual Health Tips (18+) · Jan 25, 2022

BDSM for Beginners: What Is It, Is It For You, And Where to Start

Updated: 12 March, 2024

In this post, we explore the basics of BDSM and what it is. We ask whether you should try it and, if so, where to start.

If you are just getting started or are only planning to, then this article might provide some answers to your questions.

But if you already are experienced in role-play, submission, and dominance, you should probably skip to the last two sections, where we provide some insight for advanced BDSM experiences.

BDSM (bondage and discipline + sadism and masochism) is a subculture that focuses on roles within a dominant/submissive power relationship. If you’ve ever heard someone, use the term “dom” or "sub,” then you’ve probably come across BDSM.

But what is it exactly? What is a Dom? How does it work? And how can you play? This post explains exactly what BDSM is and how to get started with it if you are interested in it.

It is time to find out, how kinky are you! And, if you're new to BDSM, here are our top suggestions to start exploring the lifestyle.

Read time: approximately 12 minutes

BDSM for Beginners: What is it, is it for you, and where to start

BDSM: What Is It

Ali Hebert and Angela Weaver, Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, said that "BDSM refers to a range of sexual preferences that generally relate to the enjoyment of physical control, psychological control, and/or pain.

It can be broken down into six overarching components: bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism.

Bondage and discipline consist of using physical or psychological restraints, domination and submission involve an exchange of power and control, and sadism and masochism refer to taking pleasure in others' or one's own pain or humiliation. Those who practice BDSM may identify with one or more, in any combination, of these components." [1]

Most people use the term “BDSM” interchangeably to refer to any form of BDSM, but there’s a lot more to sexual play than bondage and domination. Some people are strictly into BDSM while others engage in a combination of the activities mentioned above.

When it comes to sex toys and the kinkier the better, most experts agree BDSM is about more than just bondage or spanking (although it can be only that as well). In fact, these types of activities have evolved far beyond the physical realm. [1]

Should You Try BDSM?

If you’re wondering about whether or not you should consider trying BDSM yourself, here are a few things to know before jumping in. BDSM can feel very strange and unfamiliar at first—especially if you’re new to kink.

So, make sure you’re prepared to try it out—and that you’re doing so because you really want to. And if you’re planning on exploring this lifestyle with someone else, make sure that you’re both on the same page when you decide to explore it together.

If you decide to try, it’s important to remember that consent is always important, and no one should ever be pressured into doing anything they don’t want to.

Now, that you both are willing to jump into the exciting world of BDSM, it is time to know, how and where to start.

Where to Start?

Many people think of BDSM as being something for sadomasochistic people only; however, there are many other ways to use it to achieve personal pleasure.

If you don't know where to begin, we suggest you start with a conversation. Talk about your preference—do you want to try a role-play scenario, or express a power play? Is pain and pleasure for you, or not?

You can also express a sexual fantasy you've always wanted to try but never did. Only you know, what works for you. Or if you still don’t know, start with as simple as fantasy play or sensory deprivation, as blindfolding one’s eyes.

When starting out we don’t know each other’s preferences, so a great first step would be playing the Naughty Conversations. It is a collection of 100 questions about sex, desires, and fantasies, and can truly help you and your partner unlock your sexuality.

Start simple and then work your way up to more adventurous scenarios.

If you wish to play out a dom/sub scenario here are some ideas: The first is role-play. In this scenario, you pretend to be a different character and act accordingly. For example, a woman might pretend to be a dominatrix while her man pretends to be the submissive, or the opposite could be true.

There's a myriad of possibilities. For some people, playing a character they're familiar with in a role-play can be very liberating, as they can feel more comfortable in their own skin.

You could also try reading some BDSM literature or watching a few erotic videos that involve people who play in this manner.

The Naughty Conversations for Couples

BDSM: Tips for Newbies

Now you know, what is BDSM. You have talked about it, you know what type of play you wish to start with, but still aren’t quite sure how exactly to get started, there are a few things to keep in mind.

First, make a plan of attack. What do you want to accomplish and what skills do you need?

Once you have a plan, you should decide whether you need to buy something – a sex toy, a costume, a rope, etc. And should you learn how to tie knots or practice some dirty talk.

Then, choose and agree on a Safe Word. It will be the keeper of safety. And sense of safety will allow you to completely focus on the pleasure!

Also, consider whether you want to go to the local dungeon or seek out an online community. Some people prefer to start from the up.

We would highly recommend doing some research before you decide to start a new form of sexual activity, and BDSM is no exception.

Ask around online forums and get the scoop on what’s safe. Even if your partner will always be willing to play, we encourage you to look up what kind of safety measures you can take to make sure this is something you want to get into.

The Kinky Game

If you are excited to start your journey and wish to do it in a mutually safe environment, then we have you covered!

We created the Kinky Game that is the perfect introduction to any new sexual experience. It allows players to explore a wide range of sexual activities with very little risk. It has 5 categories in total and two of them are: Bondage and Dominance.

This spicy sex card game will seduce you and your other half to experience new pleasures, help you open untamed erotic fantasies, and have a glance in the world of BDSM. You can learn more in depth information about the Kinky Game in the product listing and this blog article.

When you are ready to go further into BDSM activities or you just want to experience something more extreme, we recommend our Kinky Challenges as an excellent point, when you wish to delve into new heights of intimacy!

The Kinky Game for Couples

BDSM: Tools of the Trade. Should You Try Them?

The answer to this question depends on what you're looking for in a toy and your level of experience.

Are you looking to practice a new skill? Do you want to explore the sensations that bondage can create? Or do you want to experience a full-fledged session with someone who's experienced in the art of domination and submission?

Whatever your reasons, there are some great tools to help get you started in the right direction.

What makes a BDSM toy special is that it has a specific use for the purpose of sexual pleasure and enjoyment. So, you may want to go to a store and buy yourself a few different toys to experiment with.

There are a lot of great sex toys on the market these days, many of which would make perfect gifts for a BDSM play partner.

There is a lot to choose from, but some great beginner tools are Restraints/Handcuffs, Blindfolds, Whips/Floggers, and Leather/Latex costumes.

If you wish to learn more about, how satin restraints can be used in your bedroom, read here.

When you get past the initial rush of BDSM, you can take it to the next level by introducing latex, ropes, whips, standing bondage tools, even sex machines for men or women, and so much more.

The Pros and Cons of Role-Playing Games

Not a BDSM activity by itself, role-playing games are great ways to spice up your relationship, and in them you can incorporate BDSM elements, like power play and submission/domination.

For example, a role-play where one of you plays a dominant CEO and the other – a naïve secretary. And the best part, it is only one out of thousands of roles to play out.

According to Psychology Today, the key to having a good time playing such games is to find something that feels right to you. When it comes to role-playing games, this means that it’s not about finding out what a “perfect” sexual experience is. Rather, it’s all about finding your match.

Do you want to play out a scenario, but need some role-play ideas? We have the solution for you: The Naughty Scenarios.

It’s a naughty card game where you and your partner create different sexy and wild scenarios together that will keep the passion alive between the two of you. The set has more than 4,000 combinations, so there are always new ways to play!

The Big Question: Is It Good for Your Relationship?

More and more people are recognizing the positive benefits of BDSM and advocating for its acceptance.

According to a 2019 study, roughly one in 10 American adults is part of the BDSM community, and those who are engaged in the practice report a number of benefits, including better communication skills and greater emotional intimacy in their relationships.

A study published by the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that BDSM has significant benefits for couples' relationship, even if they aren't involved in BDSM themselves.

People who practice BDSM are more likely to have strong and healthy relationships with their partners. They report having better sex, feeling happier and more in love, and feeling more satisfied with their overall life.

This is important because the majority of couples who are not practicing BDSM are in trouble because they might have a weaker relationship.

So, is it for me? That is a question only you and your partner can answer, but there are many benefits, so it would be healthy to at least think about it. And maybe try out some easy BDSM activities to see, if you enjoyed it or not.

The Ultimate Guide to the Dark Side

So, if you’ve already tried out BDSM and you are interested in getting a little kinkier, online is a great place to start your journey. Here are some places where you can learn more about BDSM:

*Warning: the following sites are for adults and contain explicit material.

Fetish.com

If you have a question, Fetish.com has a solution. There is an online community that can connect you with other BDSM enthusiasts. You can join a community or chat with other like-minded people on fetish forums.

It's a great place to find events in your area.

FetLife

This social networking site has more than eight million members. Users can learn about new fetishes and discuss them with each other.

Kink Academy

In this comprehensive video library of kink-related topics, you'll find videos on everything from negotiation to safer sex to rope bondage and pony play.

Most of the videos are free, but you need to become a member to see the full library. Some of the top instructors include Rain DeGrey, Orpheus Black, and Topologist.

Kink University

This is the first step in your journey into the world of kink. With this educational course, you'll learn all about the world of kinky sex, what it's really like, how to find the right partner, and more.

The Ultimate BDSM Bookshelf

What is the ultimate BDSM book-shelf? Here’s our personal selection of some of the most important BDSM books to read and understand. These books are a great starting point.

Each one comes with a variety of chapters and articles that can help with a more in-depth understanding of a particular theme. They’re a good place to start when you want to learn more about what BDSM is all about.

The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton

Part guidebooks, part anecdotal reads, the "new" editions take readers deeper into both sides of the spectrum, giving them a source for questions and comfort.

Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook

It is not for everyone to explore erotic bondage. It has the potential to enrich your life and can be a means of personal growth.

SM 101 A Realistic Introduction by J. Wiseman

Your basic guide to safe rewarding SM is here. Finding partners, negotiating the scene you want, bondage techniques, spanking, and whipping are included in this book.

Different Loving The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame

This groundbreaking book is a complete, comprehensive, user-friendly, and insightful guide to the world of alternative sexual lifestyles.

The subjects are exotic and erotic, and the authors deal with each one in a sensitive, thorough, analytical, and fascinating way. They also manage to explain a secret world to those who might wish to be a part of it.

In conclusion

BDSM has grown in popularity over the years, with its appeal spreading beyond the confines of the bedroom. It is a sexual activity involving power and control, including bondage, pain, and humiliation, but it can be as simple as blindfolding your eyes.

While it’s not for everyone, the thrill of surrendering yourself to a Dominant or Submissive partner can be extremely satisfying.

If you’re interested in trying this type of play, you need to first know what it entails and where to go from there, to which you should find some answers in this article.

We hope you enjoyed this brief overview in the world of BDSM! If you liked the article, please, share it on your social media and leave a comment below, what is your favorite BDSM activity!

And as always, feel free to read other relationship tips and look around our store to find some thoughtful and sexy gifts for couples.

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FAQ Section

What exactly is BDSM, and how does it differ from traditional sexual relationships?

BDSM encompasses a variety of practices, including bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism. Unlike traditional sexual relationships that may not explicitly incorporate power dynamics or specific kinks, BDSM focuses on consensual exchanges of power and control, often involving roles of dominance and submission. Participants might engage in physical restraints, psychological play, and activities that induce pleasure through pain or power exchange, providing a deeper exploration of sexual desires and trust.

Is BDSM suitable for everyone, and how can one determine if it's right for them?

BDSM is not for everyone; it's suited to individuals who find pleasure in the dynamics of power exchange, restraint, or sensory stimulation beyond conventional sexual activities. To determine if BDSM is right for you, consider your interests in these elements, communicate openly with your partner about boundaries and desires, and start with light activities to gauge comfort levels. Personal research and introspection about what excites you sexually can also guide your decision.

Where should beginners interested in exploring BDSM start?

To ensure mutual consent and comfort, beginners should start with open and honest communication with their partner about boundaries, desires, and safewords. Exploring literature, online resources, and workshops on BDSM can provide valuable insights and ideas. Initially, incorporating simple elements like blindfolding, light bondage with scarves, or role-playing scenarios can ease the transition into more involved practices.

Can BDSM positively affect a relationship, and what are some benefits?

BDSM can have positive effects on a relationship when practiced consensually and safely, including improved communication, deeper trust, and enhanced sexual satisfaction. It encourages partners to express their desires and boundaries more openly, leading to a better understanding of each other's needs. The exploration of new sexual experiences can also rejuvenate intimacy and strengthen the emotional bond between partners.